Bay Area Divorce Lawyer Blog

Talk to your children about what is happening
Only a minority of divorcing parents sit down with their kids and explain that the marriage is ending and encourage them to ask questions. Some say nothing, surely leaving the kids totally confused and fearful. It is so important to talk to your kids, because almost without fail, they know something is wrong, they just don't know what and that creates a great deal of anxiety. Tell them as simply as possible, what is happening and what it means to them and their lives. When parents don't communicate this to the children, the kids feel anxious, upset and fearful and have a much more difficult time coping with the separation and divorce.
Be sensitive and thoughtful
Your children love both of their parents and need to hear about the situation in a way that honors their love for, and relationship with, each parent. If you must litigate, don't leave court filings and documents out where they might be seen. Don't talk to others about the issue in front on the children or where they might overhear. Kids are curious will often go to great lengths to hear what is going on and will sneak up on phone call and other conversations.
Act like a grown-ups and keep the conflict away from the kids
This is so important and has been repeated so often it has become 'common knowledge' and yet it still happens, parents will argue and fight in front of the children and even use them as spies or messengers. Put the children first and refuse to argue in front of them or subject them to your conflict in any way.
Ensure that Dad stays involved
Studies show that the more involved fathers are after separation and divorce, the better it is for the children. Work with your spouse or partner to develop a child-centered parenting plan that allows a continuing and meaningful relationship with both of you. Strong father-child relationships help children do better academically and become well-adjusted adults. Fathers need to be more than just the fun parent, they need to be helping and involved with school, homework, extracurricular activities and also be available emotionally and a co-partner in issues involving discipline.
Don't act out of anger
Some parents, due to anger and pain, try to keep the other parent out of the kids' lives. Divorcing spouses, angry and upset with the other often think the other parent is not good for the kids. But children's and parents needs during divorce are very different. Researchers working with children of divorce consistently highlight that kids want more time with the non-custodial parent.
Be a good parent
It is OK to recognize, be present with, and work through the emotional pain you may feel. But you still need to be there for the children, both physically and emotionally. Competent parenting is one of the most important factors in helping children adjust well to separation and divorce.
Take care of your own mental health
Seek help for feelings of anger, anxiety, and sadness. Even a few meetings with a counselor or therapist can help and your own mental health is tremendously important for the well-being of your chidren. Generally, if you are OK, they will be OK.
Keep the people that are important to your children in their lives
Help your children stay involved with your spouse's family and with friends. This will help your child feel they are not alone in the world, but have a deep and powerful support system - an important factor in becoming a psychologically healthy adult.
Be careful about your future love life
Give yourself a lot of time before you remarry or cohabit again. Especially for young children, forming new attachments to new partners where the relationship may then break up, just creates more loss. And this can lead to depression and a lack of trust generally. And older children need to be given time to learn to adjust to, respect and care for your new partner also.
Pay your child support
Even if you're angry or have little time with your children, this is important. Children of divorce face much more economic instability than those from intact families even with child support. They might not notice or recognize the support when they are young but they will as they get older.

Prior to the passage of Senate Bill AB 1050 recently approved by the California legislature, the children of parents in custody battles have rarely been able to testify in court. Court's typically obtain information from the child through third parties, commonly court appointed mediators who are often marriage and family therapists. Senate Bill AB 1050 which goes into effect January 1, 2012 amends California Family Code § 3042 and gives children a greater voice regarding their custodial preferences.

Existing law prior to AB 1050 required family courts "if a child is of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an intelligent preference as to custody, to consider and give due weight to the wishes of the children" in making custody orders.
AB 1050, however, states that "If a child is of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an intelligent preference as to custody or visitation, the court shall consider, and give due weight to, the wishes of the child in making an order granting or modifying custody or visitation."

Pursuant to this law, there will be new procedures that require a court to allow a child to testify directly to the court regarding his or her preferences, if a child is 14 or older, unless the court determines this would not be in the child's best interests. The court must state on the record why such testimony would not be in the child's best interest. The law does not prevent courts from allowing children under 14 from testifying but there is no requirement that it do so.

Hopefully, this will be positive and will provide an opportunity for greater clarity and understanding and will be beneficial for children. However, as with most well intentioned laws, this could well be misused and create more conflict and parental alienation.

For those who go to court to determine how much child support should be paid by whom in a typical California divorce, there is a formula used to calculate the amount according to the state guidelines for child support.
The formula for the calculation of guideline child support is contained in California Family Code section 4055. That formula is expressed as follows: CS = K [HN - (H%)(TN)]. In this formula, the symbols set forth below (and used in the formula) make reference to the following definitions: CS = child support amount K = amount of both parents' income to be allocated for child support HN = high earner's net monthly disposable income H% = higher earner's approximate time of physical responsibility for the children TN = the parties' total monthly net income This formula will produce an amount of support per minor child. When more than one child is involved, the end result (CS) is then multiplied by a specific factor depending upon the number of children. For example, for two children the multiplier is 1.6; for three children, the multiplier is 2; for four children the multiplier is 2.3; for five children the multiplier is 2.5; for six children the multiplier is 2.625, and so on.
Roughly speaking, if the parents share relatively equal time and make roughly equal amounts of money, it is likely that neither will pay child support and that both will share costs such as unreimbursed medical and daycare. However, if either time or income vary, the formula will generate the guideline amount to be paid.