Recently in Mediation Category

Divorce, Spousal Support and Cohabitation - In re Marriage of Woillard

March 30, 2014, by

In most divorce cases, the terms of any spousal or child support obligation are set forth in either a court order or an agreement between the parties. Often, that includes a stipulation that spousal support payments will stop when the person receiving them remarries or otherwise "cohabitates" with another person. In In re Marriage of Woillard, California's Second District Court of Appeals makes clear that the term "cohabitation" is interpreted fairly broadly.

holding-hands-207150-m.jpgHusband and Wife divorced in 1990 after what the Court called a "lengthy" marriage. Under the terms of the divorce judgment, Husband was required to pay wife $4,000 a month in spousal support until Husband or Wife died or until she was remarried or began cohabitating with an "unrelated male." In 2011, Husband filed an action seeking to terminate the spousal support payment, arguing that Wife had been cohabitating with her boyfriend, Keith, for the last six years. A trial court agreed, concluding that the spousal support agreement expired in 2005 and ordering Wife to pay Husband back $256,000 in support payments that she shouldn't have received.

The Court noted that Wife and Keith were engaged in 2004, vacationed and attended family events together and "shared significant resources" through the course of their relationship, which began three years earlier. Wife loaned Keith $30,000 - an amount he later paid back - and he often stayed at her home, where he kept clothes and other personal belongings and received his mail. The couple kept a joint checking account related to expenses and rental income for two condominiums that Wife owned. They also jointly purchased a boat in 2005, securing a loan for it by using Wife's home as collateral. Keith slept on the boat when he didn't stay at Wife's house.

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Court: Client List, Bonus Money is Community Property - In re Marriage of Finby

February 20, 2014, by

Bonuses are a common and often significant form of compensation for a number of people who live and work in California, particularly those in certain professional fields. In In re Marriage of Finby, the state's Fourth District Court of Appeals explains that all or some of the money is likely to be deemed community property to be divided among spouses in the event of divorce.

untitled-1237498-m.jpgHusband and Wife married in 1985 and separated 15 years later in February 2010. Wife worked as a financial advisor during the course of the marriage and was employed by UBS before signing a contract with Wachovia in 2009. The company was later purchased by Wells Fargo.

Wife's contract with Wells Fargo provided for a variety of bonuses, including a "transitional bonus" of more than $2.8 million. The bonus was premised on the fact that she had developed a list of clients - referred to as her "book of business" - whose investments were worth more than $192 million at the time and whose accounts were expected to go with her to the new job. Under the terms of the contract, the bonus was conditioned on Wife's staying at Wells Fargo for more than 9 years and maintaining a gross production level of over $1.12 million, as determined on an annual basis. Wife opted to obtain the complete amount of the bonus immediately, however, and signed a loan agreement with her employer under which it agreed to forgive $27,700 each month over the course of 112 months. If Wife stopped working at any time during the period, the company had the right to demand the entire amount remaining on the bonus/loan.

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Co-Parenting During the Holidays

December 2, 2013, by

Even for happily married and intact families, the holidays can be fraught with conflict and compromise. But for divorced or separated parents and for blended families - the potential for conflict is much greater. Negotiating co-parenting agreements and sharing time with kids is rarely easy, but this is a time of year when it can be most difficult to let go because of the tradition and ritual around the holidays.

But for the sake of the kids you have to share it. And here are tips to
 help your holiday season be filled with merriment - not resentment.

Make a plan

 If you don't already have a holiday schedule, and do it now, the earlier the better. You don't want to create anxiety for the kids about what they're going to be doing at Christmas. Sit down with your ex and a calendar to determine how you will share time. The plan can be fluid and can change, but a basic structure reduces miscommunication and sets expectations. Ideally, a vacation and holiday schedule will be part of a marital settlement agreement in a divorce. Think about the even year - odd year compromise. One parent gets first choice in even years and the other in odd years or simply switch the holiday time on an alternating year basis. For example, in even years one parent may have the children for Christmas Eve and morning, then take them to the other parent at noon. In odd years, the schedule would be reversed. It might also be worthwhile to review the kids Christmas presents together to avoid duplicate gifts and to ensure that similar amounts will be spent. For co-parents who live far away from each other it's not so easy. If you have to be without your kids for the entire holiday make sure you can call and talk to them.

Focus on the kids

. As a mediator who helps couples resolve parenting and custody issues, I sometimes have a photo of the kids on the table during a session and ask: "What do you think they would really enjoy? What would work for them?"

That can be as simple as letting the kids call mom on Christmas Eve or attend a special holiday event with Dad. For mom Penny Barton, the answer was more extreme. When she and her husband split up, their daughters, then aged 15 and 10, stayed behind in San Jose with their dad while Barton took a job in Los Angeles. Penny did homework with them every night over the phone and flew back to San Jose for six to eight days every month. 

Because Christmas was so important to the girls the parents agreed that for two weeks every Christmas, Penny would camp out in her ex-husband's basement - once with her boyfriend in tow. "I sort of took over and did Christmas the same way we did when we were married," said Barton. It wasn't easy being a guest in her former home, and her need to impose her way of doing things on her ex's household created tension. "But Christmas morning was child-centered, and we both enjoyed their joy so much, that how we felt about each other didn't much matter," says Barton. "We didn't want them to experience the tension kids who are pulled between two households feel."



And although children's preferences should always be an important consideration, it is also important not to give them too much input into co-parenting decisions. The burden of choice is problematic for kids because they know their choices will make one of the parents unhappy. And for most children, that is not a good place to be. Kids will often tell each parent whatever they believe he or she wants to hear. Kids need a predictable schedule that both parents seem happy with, even if that means putting on a brave face. Practice emotional restraint, maturity and leadership. The most important thing is to continue to be loving parents, and to keep the conflict away from the kids.



Create new traditions. 

Your holiday celebrations may change after divorce, but they can still be wonderful. Think together with your kids about how you want to celebrate the holidays. And though it will be painful, be prepared to let go of some of the activities you used to do. Don't make the kids feel bad that they missed out on something when they come home.

 And no matter how sad or angry you are, never badmouth your ex in front of the kids. Save that for a good friend, therapist or support group. 



Stay busy. 

If you're going to be on your own for the holidays, be prepared and plan for it. Maybe it would help to celebrate with other family and friends, or perhaps a quiet evening at home with a special meal. Or venture out and volunteer to help others, go on a trip or do something else special for yourself.

Stay hopeful. 

It is the best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones. Make the commitment to take the time that's needed to heal and remember that healing is a process, so give yourself the time and space to find hope and healing.

And if you cannot agree on the holiday plan, consider a mediator. A mediator is like a referee or better yet, your kindergarden teacher: someone who will help you share and play nicely in the sandbox, or in this case the mediator's office.

As a mediator, it is important to practice what we preach and walk the talk. So, I invite my husband's ex-wife and her husband over for Christmas so that their kids can be with both of their parents. But sadly, this is not a viable solution with my own ex-husband, so we have to share the kids separately. Every family is different but with an open mind and an open heart and a willingness to try to understand each other, parents can create positive solutions.

For more information, visit us at www.lornajaynes.com

Covering Children's College Costs in California Divorce Proceedings - In re Marriage of Humphries

December 2, 2013, by

In California divorce cases, spouses often want to determine not only basic child support issues, but also how to cover future expenses related to their children's higher education. In In re Marriage of Humphries, the Fourth District Court of Appeals addresses a dispute about college expenses.

graduation-cap-993663-m.jpgThe Humphries married in 1990 and had three children before separating 16 years later. Ms. Humphries obtained an emergency protective order against her husband under the Domestic Violence Protection Act in 2006. The couple later entered into an agreement in which Ms. Humphries agreed to drop the protective order and provide Mr. Humphries with child visitation rights. In turn, Mr. Humphries agreed that his wife and children would remain in the family's residence and that he would pay various forms of support, as well as paying for the children's private school education. Mr. Humphries further agreed for each child to "pay for four years of undergraduate education at a certified university of the child's choice, at the rate of a school in the UC system in California" plus related expenses, provided that the child was a full-time student and maintained at least a 2.5 grade point average.

Ms. Humphries subsequently filed for divorce from her husband in 2008 and also sought an order requiring him to pay spousal and child support. The parties later entered a stipulated agreement providing that Mr. Humphries would "continue to support [Ms. Humphries] and the children." Following additional litigation, they entered another agreement, this one stating that Ms. Humphries would be named joint custodian on three separate bank accounts - one for each child - and that the funds would be used to cover the children's college tuition and expenses.

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Time to Consider Giving Up on the Family Court System and Use a Private Judge

August 16, 2013, by

My practice has been limited primarily to Collaborative Practice and Mediation for many years, since I learned long ago that divorce is a problem to be solved not a battle to be won, and the court system only exacerbates the problem and most often leaves couples worse off, financially and emotionally. Collaborative Practice and Mediation allow a couple to divorce in a structured and facilitated process that enables them to stay out of court, gather and review all of their financial information together, brainstorm options for property division, co-parenting and support, and craft an agreement that works for all. This process reduces the fear and anxiety because every step in the process is taken together and both understand that nothing will happen and no agreements will be signed or filed until both agree.

These processes are not without difficulty and conflict. The couples are divorcing after all so there is most always conflict. But unlike the court system with uncaring judges and litigious attorneys, Collaborative Divorce and mediation endeavor to help parties communicate more effectively, understand each other's needs and interests, and help them find common ground and shared goals. This most always leads to agreement.

Another reason I value out of court processes is that I believe in personal empowerment and the right and ability of most everyone to make their own decisions in such matters. With very rare exceptions, I can't think of any good reasons divorcing spouses would want a judge (ie government official) to make decisions about how they divide marital property or co-parent and support their children and each other. In most all cases, the best people to make these important and personal decisions, are the parties themselves.

Once a couple agrees on the terms of their settlement agreement, the agreement and judgment forms are submitted to the court for processing. Sadly, the court processing can be unduly lengthy, often as long as three or four months, but until recently, most judges would approve judgments provided the parties completed the requisite paperwork and filed documents signed under penalty of perjury stating that they had each completed and exchanged the requisite financial disclosures. Parties working together can make any agreements they want, but the agreements must be based on full knowledge and understanding of all separate and community income, assets and debts.

Recently, however, many judges have begun asking mediating or Collaborative parties who have submitted their judgments to court for processing to attend uncontested hearings to explain and justify the terms of their agreement to the judge. These are folks who have chosen mediation or Collaborative divorce precisely because they wish to stay out of court. Often the first question people will ask is , "We won't have to go to court, will we?" I used to be able to answer no to this question, but no longer. This unwarranted interference by the courts is, in my opinion, intrusive and overbearing and deprives the couples of their autonomy, dignity and right to make their own decisions.

So, for those who really wish to stay out of court, it appears that a good option is to stipulate to a private judge, which usually costs around $500 - $550. An extra fee, but well worth it for many. The other benefit of a private judge is that they are much faster than the courts - a private judge will review and sign off on a judgment in probably two to three weeks, rather than the three to four months taken by the court coupled with their burdensome requests to come to court to justify decisions and agreements. Plus there is the added psychological benefit that the entire divorce, not just the process of reaching an agreement, is outside of the dreaded court system.

With more than 13 years of experience working with clients in divorce and other family law matters, attorney and mediator Lorna Jaynes utilizes innovative legal tools to resolve these and other family law disputes for clients in the San Francisco Bay Area.


California Court Denies Custody to Mother, Citing Her Efforts to Alienate Father from Child

April 23, 2013, by

"This case presents an issue that would vex Solomon himself." That's how the Fourth District Court of Appeals described In re Marriage of Keith, a child custody case that ultimately turned on the parents' efforts (or lack thereof) to facilitate their daughter's relationship with each other.

1064479_father_and_daughter.jpgHolly and Keith married in 2004, had a child (Daughter) in 2005 and separated a year later. Unbeknownst to Keith, Holly and Daughter then moved to Arizona. Holly also obtained a restraining order against Keith, accusing him of physical abuse. An Orange County court later order quashed the restraining order and required her to return to California.

Back in California, a court granted Holly a new restraining order against Keith as well as sole legal and physical custody of Daughter. Keith completed a court-ordered batterer's intervention program and was permitted monitored visits with Daughter. After the couple divorced in 2008, Holly sought permission to move back to Arizona with Daughter. Keith opposed the move, claiming that Holly had sought to isolate him from Daughter and destroy their relationship, first by claiming that he had assaulted Holly, then by moving "surreptitiously" from Irvine to La Quinta and finally by seeking to move to Arizona.

In a child custody evaluation completed prior to trial, Dr. W. Russell Johnson recommended that Holly be granted primary physical custody - with Keith being granted "liberal" visitation rights - if she remained in California. If Holly were to move Arizona, however, Johnson concluded that Keith should be granted primary physical custody. In the latter situation, "[Daughter]'s best interests require that she be placed in her father's physical custody because he is more likely than her mother to support her relationship with her non-residential parent," Johnson determined. The trial court granted Keith primary physical custody.

The Fourth District affirmed the decision on appeal. The court explained that a trial court considering a custody issue has "the widest discretion to choose a parenting plan that is in the best interest of the child," but must weigh the health, safety, and welfare of the child, as well as any history of abuse by one parent of the other. Because Holly had obtained a restraining order against Keith, the court said that there was a presumption that granting her primary physical custody was in Daughter's best interest. Keith rebutted this presumption, however, by showing that he had completed the batterer's intervention program and had not been accused of physical violence since that time.

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Ethically challenged client and California divorce attorney trick ex-husband into drunk-driving after setting him up with hot-tub blonde on Match.com

March 4, 2013, by

As a new family law attorney my very first litigation matter involved a client whose spouse's attorney was the (now disgraced) Mary Nolan. It was a horrific experience for me and I ultimately told my client that he needed to retain a different kind of attorney - the quintessential 'shark' litigator, if he was going to survive this divorce with Ms. Nolan on the other side. The great benefit that I derived from this experience is that I learned very early how ugly divorce could be, that the traditional process did not work for me or for the clients. I knew there had to be a better way.

A six-count indictment on September 18, 2012 charged Mary Nolan with tax evasion and unlawfully intercepting communications. Recently, Ms. Nolan pled not guilty to charges that she hired a private investigator, who was a central character in Contra Costa County's "dirty DUI" scandal, to illegally install listening devices inside the car of a client's ex-husband.

Mr. David Dutcher, from Contra Costa County, challenged a custody ruling he claims was based on a DUI charge that occurred after his ex-wife paid a blonde woman to trick into drunk driving. Mr. Dutcher said he was arrested and pulled over for drunken driving in 2008 shortly after he was propositioned by two young women to come home with them and 'continue things in the hot tub'.

Mr Dutcher was on a second date with a woman he had met on Match.com, when she started chugging shots of hard alcohol and kissing him on the lips.
A second blonde showed up and they both flashed their breasts, before asking him to join them at home in the hot tub.

But just after leaving the restaurant, Mr Dutcher was pulled over for drunken driving with a blood alcohol content of 0.12 per cent, above the legal limit of 0.08 percent. Shortly after his conviction, his ex-wife's lawyer, Ms. Nolan, filed a motion in court seeking to reduce his time with the children (and increase his ex-wife's child support). Ms. Nolan claimed to have inadvertently learned of Dutcher's drunken-driving episode and wanted to make the court aware of his run-in with the law. A judge then reduced the amount of time he could spend with his children because of his arrest. Mr. Dutcher has argued that his ex-wife orchestrated his arrest to gain advantage in the divorce case.

In another complaint filed in Contra Costa County Superior Court, Declan Woods of Clayton alleges that Mary Nolan was looking for an advantage for her client, Woods' estranged wife. and hired Butler to set up Woods to be arrested for drunken driving.

Not surprisingly, in my case with Ms. Nolan, her trumped up allegations of domestic violence were very detrimental to my client and their five children who were only permitted to see each other through supervised visitation. This was a family of relatively modest means whose assets were quickly depleted by Ms. Nolan's fee churning antics. And although the wife surely did not recognize it at the time and maybe still doesn't, Ms. Nolan's conduct was also detrimental to her since it resulted in an unnecessarily emotionally and financially burdensome process. And nor did her attorney encourage a positive and supportive co-parenting relationship, the touchstone of a good divorce.

But I was inspired to find a new and better way to help couples divorce and and trained in Collaborative Law and Mediation so that I could escape "the machine" and help couples divorce with their personal and economic dignity intact. To learn more about how to end your marriage with your personal and economic dignity intact, contact the Law and Mediation Office of Lorna Jaynes.

Divorce Your Spouse, But For the Sake of Your Children, Create or Preserve a Positive Co-Parenting Relationship

February 16, 2013, by

A judge from the state of Minnesota, Michael Haas, said the following in 2001.

"Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party - or whatever your family thinks of the other party- these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an "idiot" his father is, or what a "fool" his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.
I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer."

Wise words from a judge, but the sad part is that by the time a judge makes comments of that nature, the damage has been done. Sadly, many parents do not understand long-term impacts their divorce has on children and they are so focused on themselves that only a very small percentage have constructive divorces such through mediation or Collaborative Divorce. The nature of the parents' relationship, pre and post-divorce, permanently impacts children.

See the work of Judith Wallerstein, a psychologist who triggered a national debate about the consequences of divorce by reporting that it hurt children more than previously thought. Much of the damage, however, can be mitigated by conscious parents who divorce with care and compassion.

A successful co-parenting arrangement depends on the child, the parents, and how the parents treat each other and their children. It matters whether the arrangements accurately reflect the needs and wishes of the child, but at the same time, the choices should not generally be left up to the children as that puts them in a very difficult place. It's a complex undertaking. What works for a child at one age may be harmful to the same child at another developmental stage. One size can never fit all children or families. Children who are required to traverse a battleground between warring parents show serious symptoms that affect their physical and mental health. The research findings on how seriously troubled these children are and how quickly their adjustment deteriorates are very powerful. The bottom line that our studies show is that the legal form of custody is not what matters in the child's welfare. Nor is there any study that shows the amount of time spent with a parent is relevant to psychological adjustment. 

Parents who spend thousands of dollars in legal fees to fight over the merits of joint or sole custody of their child are simply wasting their time and money. Litigation does not constructively address the emotions involved. Rather, it adds fuel to the fire. No model of custody or time-sharing determines how well children do after their parents' divorce. Joint custody can work very well or poorly for the child. The same is true of sole custody with visitation. What matters is the mental health of the parents, the quality of the parent-child relationships, the degree of anger versus cooperation between the parents, plus the age, temperament, and flexibility of the child.

Divorce education and appropriate dispute resolution such as Collaborative Divorce and mediation can help parents do less destructive things to their children during and after the divorce. With offices throughout the San Francisco Bay Area, California divorce lawyer Lorna Jaynes provides innovative legal tools to resolve many family law disputes without the bitterness and acrimony engendered by the adversarial process.

This American Life on Divorce

February 16, 2013, by

A segment of This American Life with Ira Glass on NPR, entitled Breakup, addresses divorce from several different perspectives and is well worth a listen.

In Act Two, an eight-year-old girl embarks on a campaign to understand her parents' divorce, a campaign that takes her to school guidance counselors, children's book authors, and the mayor of New York City. The segment re-plays her 1986 interview on All Things Considered as a young child and how she struggled to understand why the divorce happened. In this interview 20 years later, she praises her mother for putting her daughter's interest first by encouraging and supporting her relationship with her father, never blaming her father, and never saying anything about her father's affair.

In Act Three, Ira speaks with a Collaborative Divorce attorney and Mediator about why it is so bad when the justice system gets involved in a divorce and the many benefits for families who can resolve the issues outside of court. The attorney speaks to the value of a process that focuses on listening to the other and seeking to understand.
Act Four looks at divorce from the dog's point of view.

All acts highlight the value to everyone involved of a divorce grounded in respect, compassion and love. And these are the values that ground and sustain Collaborative and mediated divorces. With either mediation or the Collaborative process you have control over the decisions that are made and will be firmly supported, legally and emotionally, in achieving a successful dissolution of your relationship. This not only allows, but also encourages you and your partner to create, or leave open, lines of communication that are of enormous benefit to the whole family.

Working as a team we can achieve a successful resolution of the issues in dispute without the bitterness and acrimony engendered by the adversarial process. The Law & Mediation Office of Lorna Jaynes is based in Alameda county and serves Alameda, Santa Clara and San Mateo counties.

California Court Explains Retroactive Child Support Orders - In re Marriage of Barth

January 23, 2013, by

"If ever there was a case where the adage 'be careful what you wish for' applied, this is surely it," Judge P.J . Moore recently wrote, introducing the matter of In re Marriage of Barth. As Moore went on to explain, California law allows a court to order a parent to pay retroactive child support going back to an original petition for divorce, even if it was filed in the wrong state.

796465_sunset.jpgJeffrey Barth spent years trying to avoid the enforcement of an Ohio court's ruling granting wife Andrea Barth's petition for divorce, custody and child support, only to have a California court grant similar petitions and order a substantially larger child custody payment.

The couple were married in 1989 and had two children. Ms. Barth filed for divorce in October 2004 after her husband admitted to extramarital affairs, according to the court. Following protracted litigation on the matter, an Ohio court awarded the divorce, granted Ms. Barth custody of the children and ordered Mr. Barth to pay $1,600 per month in child support.

Mr. Barth ultimately had the order overturned after the Ohio Supreme Court agreed that the state courts did not have jurisdiction over the matter because Ms. Barth had not lived in Ohio long enough before filing suit. Prior to the divorce, she left the state with her kids to join Mr. Barth in California, but returned shortly thereafter upon learning of her husband's affair.

Litigation moved to California, where an Orange County court granted the divorce and ordered Mr. Barth to pay retroactive support of between $2,700 and $3,125 per month for 2004 to 2005, $7,645 per month for 2006 and between $1,000 and $3,050 per month for 2007.

Continue reading "California Court Explains Retroactive Child Support Orders - In re Marriage of Barth" »

Co-Parenting During the Holidays

December 20, 2012, by

Even for happily married and intact families, the holidays can be fraught with conflict and compromise. But for divorced or separated parents and for blended families - the potential for conflict is significantly higher. Negotiating co-parenting agreements and sharing time with kids is rarely easy, but this is a time of year when it can be most difficult to let go because of the tradition and ritual around how the holidays are managed.

But for the sake of the kids you have to share it. And here are tips to
help your holiday season be filled with merriment - not resentment.

Make a plan


If you don't already have a holiday schedule, do it now. You don't want to create anxiety for the kids about what they're going to be doing at Christmas. Sit down with your ex and a calendar to determine how you're going to share time during the holiday break. The plan can be fluid and can change, but a basic structure reduces mis-communication and sets expectations. Ideally, a vacation and holiday schedule will be part of a marital settlement agreement in a divorce. Think about the even year - odd year compromise. One parent gets first choice in even years and the other in odd years or simply switch the holiday time on an alternating year basis. For example, in even years one parent may have the children for Christmas Eve and morning, then take them to the other parent at noon. In odd years, the schedule would be reversed. Often it is worthwhile to go over the kids Christmas presents together to avoid duplicate gifts and to ensure that similar amounts will be spent. For co-parents who live far away from each other it's not so easy. If you have to be without your kids for the entire holiday make sure you can call and talk to them.

Focus on the kids


As a mediator who helps couples resolve parenting and custody issues, I sometimes have a photo of the kids on the table during a session and ask: "What do you think they would really enjoy? What would work for them?"

That can be as simple as letting the kids call mom on Christmas Eve or attend a special holiday event with Dad. For mom Maureen Palmer, the answer was more extreme. When she and her husband split up, their daughters, then aged 15 and 10, stayed behind in Edmonton with their dad while palmer took a job as a TV producer in Vancouver. She'd do homework with them every night over the phone and fly back to Alberta for four or five days twice a month (a schedule she kept up for a decade).

"Christmas was very, very big in our family," she says, and her girls weren't ready to let that go. So for two weeks every Christmas, she would camp out in her ex-husband's basement - once with her boyfriend in tow. "I sort of took over and did Christmas the same way we did when we were married," said Palmer, who went on to make the documentary How to Divorce and Not Wreck the Kids. It wasn't easy being a guest in her former home, and her need to impose her version of "order" on her ex's household created tension. "But Christmas morning was child-centered, and we both enjoyed their joy so much, that how we felt about each other barely registered," says Palmer. "We didn't want them to feel any of the tension kids who are pulled between two households feel."



As for me, well I am having my partner's ex-wife and husband over for Christmas so that their kids get to be with both of their parents.

And although children's preferences should always be a priority, it is also important not to them too much input into how they spend the holidays. The burden of choice is problematic for kids "because they know it's going to make one of the parents really unhappy. Kids will often tell each parent whatever they believe he or she wants to hear. And for most children, that is a terrible place to be. Kids need a predictable schedule that both parents seem happy with, even if that means putting on a brave face. Practice emotional restraint, maturity and leadership. The most important thing is to continue to be loving parents, and to keep the conflict away from the kids.



Create new traditions


Your holiday celebrations may have changed after the divorce, but they can still be wonderful. Think together with your kids about how you want to celebrate the holidays. And though it will be painful, be prepared to let go of some of the activities you used to do. Don't make the kids feel bad that they missed out on something when they come home.

And no matter how sad or angry you are, never badmouth your ex in front of the kids. Save that for a good friend, therapist or support group. 



Stay busy


If you're going to be on your own for the holidays, be prepared and plan for it. Maybe it would help to celebrate with other family and friends, or perhaps a quiet evening at home with a special meal. Or venture out and volunteer to help others, go on a trip or do something else special for yourself.

Stay hopeful


It is the best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones. Make the commitment to take the time that's needed to heal and remember that healing is a process, so give yourself the time and space to find hope and healing.

And if you cannot agree, consider a mediator. A mediator is like a referee or better yet, your first grade teacher: Someone who will help you play nicely in the sandbox, or in this case the mediator's office, and hopefully just long enough to make a deal.

For more information, visit us at www.lornajaynes.com

Court Says Marriage After Child Support Nullifies Payment Obligation - In re Marriage of Wilson

November 30, 2012, by

In a recent opinion, California's Fourth District Court of Appeals explained that when a couple has children and later marries, the marriage nullifies a child support order entered prior to it, even if they later divorce.

1063973_ring_it_up.jpgMark Wilson and Tamara Bodine were not married when their son was born in August 2001. Bodine obtained a child support order in July 2002 that required Wilson to pay $1,600 a month in support and granting sole legal and physical custody to Bodine. The couple had a second child in June 2003. Then they married in 2005 and separated two years later. A court entered a judgment dissolving the marriage in January 2009.

Wilson filed an action in state court on June 2010, seeking a modification of the 2002 child support order. According to Wilson, he had recently received a notice from the Department of Child Support Services indicating the he owed more than $150,000 in arrears for unpaid support, including payments covering the time during which the couple lived together and were married. Claiming that the couple was operating under 50 percent time-share with both children, Wilson asked that the support award be re-determined based on this arrangement. In response, Bodine argued that Wilson owed unpaid support for a 15-month period after the order was entered and before the couple married.

Following two hearings, a lower court issued a ruling in July 2011, ordering Wilson to pay $100 per month "on undetermined arrears." The court did not determine the specific amount of arrears owed.

On appeal, the Fourth District ruled that Wilson could not be required to pay support following the divorce because the couple's marriage nullified the previous support order. The court explained that the situation was analogous to one in which a couple divorces and later remarries after a court has entered a child support award. Pursuant to the state Supreme Court's 1968 decision in Davis v. Davis, the support award is extinguished by the second marriage in such a scenario.

Continue reading "Court Says Marriage After Child Support Nullifies Payment Obligation - In re Marriage of Wilson" »

Best Divorce Strategies - Listen, Seek to understand, Focus on the future, Heal

September 9, 2012, by

Conflict in the context of divorce can be emotionally and financially debilitating. Family court judges commonly make decisions and orders based on how the law applies to what has already transpired between the parties, to the past. And this approach keeps the spouses in a conflict trap where they are focused on the past and the grievances, hurts and betrayals; rather than on the future, and how they can best solve the problems in order to move forward.

Collaborative Divorce and Mediation on the other hand, enable the parties to focus on what is important for them now and in the future. By focusing on problem solving and real listening, there tends to unfold an understanding that can help couples let go of the conflict and the past and move forward in a productive way, solve the problems and help heal the pain, grief, and anger.

A forward looking focus, however, doesn't preclude talking about the past because sometimes it is important, essential even, for spouses to be able to express and have heard by the other, their understandings of what went wrong with the relationship. This mutual expression of the hurt and anger, if entered into with an open heart and deep listening can be profoundly instructive and helpful to the process. This is especially important if there will be a continuing relationship, for example, co-parents.

Usually, perception of the conflict radically changes when one's feelings, experience, and understanding are recognized by the other as completely valid, even if not agreed with. A goal of the understanding approach is to find connections between those in dispute. While understanding does not in and of itself resolve the dispute, it provides a foundation for productive problem solving. And when people can start to see the humanity in each
other, solutions tend to arise naturally.

Ultimately, this 'understanding' approach offers a way to achieve positive and respectful post-divorce relationships and enduring and mutually beneficial solutions. Not to mention the benefit of avoiding the financial and emotional pain of litigation.

For more information, visit us at www.lornajaynes.com

California Divorce Attorney Undermines Couple's Efforts to Reach Agreement - Just Say No To Litigation

August 17, 2012, by

Sometimes, quite often in fact, the flames of conflict in divorce cases are fanned by attorneys who have more to gain from conflict than from resolution. Against my better judgment, I recently accepted a litigation case with the hope that perhaps I could help facilitate a negotiated settlement. It appeared to be a matter that could be settled with relative ease. During the negotiation process between the attorneys, the clients had a long talk, longer than they had had in years from what I was told, and agreed to put the matter on hold for some time to see if they might reconcile and resolve some of the disputed issues between them.

Upon hearing this, I was tentatively hopeful for both and provided my client with resources he might consider to help improve their communication and relationship and suggested that marital counseling may also be very helpful. And of course, a flower or two wouldn't hurt.
When my client's spouse told her attorney of their plans, her attorney responded with the statement, "Oh, so he wins," and grudgingly prepared a stipulation to continue the scheduled hearing out for a mere three months. I was horrified but not really surprised.
This is a marriage of nearly 40 years, a couple of retirement age with adult children and grandchildren and very moderate assets. Divorce in a situation like this should be a last resort only after some attempt at counseling as it is certain to result in considerable hardship for both. And after nearly 40 years, there is so much to savor and cherish if reconciliation succeeds.

I sent an inspirational photo and waited, hoping that the gods and goddesses of peace and love would prevail. Alas, it was to no avail. Reconciliation and healing of the relationship proved futile but the parties at least tried to reach a settlement of the issues between them and rather than supporting them in their efforts, the other attorney dismissed and undermined their efforts, and most shocking of all, the wife told her husband she was afraid to discuss their proposals with her attorney because her attorney would yell at her.

I have no idea why anyone would hire and pay fees to an attorney who would yell at them. And I later heard that the attorney put a lien on their house to collect her fees.

Lesson for me: Never underestimate people's proclivity for conflict and the tendency of attorney's to exacerbate the conflict to line their own pockets. Just say no to litigation.

For more information, visit us at www.lornajaynes.com

Gray Divorce in California

August 17, 2012, by

Marian, 57, and her husband for nearly 30 years, John, had buried their differences over money, child-rearing and more. But when the last of their two children was finishing high school, the differences became too glaring to ignore. Increasingly, they had little to talk about, and when they did, it was an argument.

They stayed together all those years because of the kids, but now there was little left to hold them together. Marian realized that she was alone in the marriage and would be better off either really alone or with someone who shared her values and interests. When the pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving, she made a decision and told John the marriage was over.

For this generation of empty-nesters, divorce is increasingly common. Among people ages 50 and older, the divorce rate has doubled over the past two decades, according to research by sociologists Susan Brown and I-Fen Lin of Bowling Green State University, in their paper, "The Gray Divorce Revolution".
Though overall national divorce rates have declined since spiking in the 1980s, "gray divorce" has risen to its highest level ever, according to Prof. Brown. In 1990, only one in 10 people who got divorced was 50 or older; by 2009, the number was roughly one in four. More than 600,000 people ages 50 and older got divorced in 2009.

Moreover, a 2004 survey by the AARP found that women are initiating most of these divorces. Among divorces by people ages 40-69, it was women who sought the divorce 66% of the time. Infidelity is not a primary factor in gray divorces. The same AARP survey found that only 27% cited infidelity as one of their top three reasons for seeking a divorce. This is consistent with estimates of infidelity as a factor in divorce in the general population.
In 1990, 1 in 10 of all divorces were by people ages 50+. In 2009, 1 in 4 of all divorces were by people ages 50+.

As always, there is probably no easy explanation for the trend but it probably derives at least in part from the boomers' status as the first generation to enter into marriage with goals largely involving self-fulfillment. With 'empty nests' on the horizon and many more years of a healthy and productive life, they are increasingly deciding that they have fulfilled their parental duties and now want out of the marriage.

Boomers married with expectations quite different from those of prior generations. "In the 1970s, there was, for the first time, a focus on marriage needing to make individuals happy, rather than on how well each individual fulfilled their marital roles," says Prof. Brown, author of the gray marriage paper.

According to Professor Brown, over the past century there have been three "phases" of American views of marriage. First, there was the "institutional" phase, in the decades before World War II, when marriage was seen largely as an economic union.
This was followed in the 1950s and '60s by the "companionate" phase, where a successful marriage was defined by the degree to which each spouse fulfilled his or her role. Husbands were measured by their capability as providers and wives by their skills in homemaking and motherhood.

The "individualized" phase, began by boomers in the 1970's according to Professor Brown, with an emphasis on the satisfaction of personal needs. "Individualized marriage is more egocentric... before the 1970s, no one would have thought to separate out the self as being distinct from the roles of good wife and mother."

Many of those opting for gray divorce, face complications in our current bleak economic landscape. Although such divorces generally don't involve co-parenting and child support issues, only issues of property division and spousal support, and are therefore simpler in principle, there are still difficult decisions and choices to be made. And as always, these decisions and choices are best made by the couple themselves in a Collaborative or mediated divorce, with the assistance of professionals trained to help the couple work together to make the choices that will benefit both.

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