Conflict in the context of divorce can be emotionally and financially debilitating. Family court judges commonly make decisions and orders based on how the law applies to what has already transpired between the parties, to the past. And this approach keeps the spouses in a conflict trap where they are focused on the past and the grievances, hurts and betrayals; rather than on the future, and how they can best solve the problems in order to move forward.
Collaborative Divorce and Mediation on the other hand, enable the parties to focus on what is important for them now and in the future. By focusing on problem solving and real listening, there tends to unfold an understanding that can help couples let go of the conflict and the past and move forward in a productive way, solve the problems and help heal the pain, grief, and anger.
A forward looking focus, however, doesn’t preclude talking about the past because sometimes it is important, essential even, for spouses to be able to express and have heard by the other, their understandings of what went wrong with the relationship. This mutual expression of the hurt and anger, if entered into with an open heart and deep listening can be profoundly instructive and helpful to the process. This is especially important if there will be a continuing relationship, for example, co-parents.
Usually, perception of the conflict radically changes when one’s feelings, experience, and understanding are recognized by the other as completely valid, even if not agreed with. A goal of the understanding approach is to find connections between those in dispute. While understanding does not in and of itself resolve the dispute, it provides a foundation for productive problem solving. And when people can start to see the humanity in each
other, solutions tend to arise naturally.
Ultimately, this ‘understanding’ approach offers a way to achieve positive and respectful post-divorce relationships and enduring and mutually beneficial solutions. Not to mention the benefit of avoiding the financial and emotional pain of litigation.
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